“Fixing” your a-spec identity isn’t the answer. Accepting yourself is.
Support for asexual and aromantic adults in Springfield and across Missouri.
It can be overwhelming to not experience romance and sex the way that others do.
It’s hard to ignore the pressure to love romance and sex in the world we live in. It’s everywhere. Romantic and sexual relationships show up constantly in TV shows, books, music, and everything in between. Even the people in your life expect you to want sexual and romantic relationships the way they experience them.
Yet, you see sex and romance differently than the people around you. And not by choice, either. Perhaps friendship and family feels more crucial than romance, or sex can only come after a deep emotional connection. Maybe it fluctuates, where sometimes you want sex and romance with someone, but then you sometimes don’t.
It’s confusing, and nobody you talk to about it seems to get it. Or, worse, they say that not loving other people the way you love them makes you a “prude”, “cold-hearted”, and just not real or valid.
Maybe you feel like something is wrong with you, but you don’t know what. Medical tests for hormonal or other medical issues have come back with nothing out of normal ranges. You’ve tried to push yourself into romantic or sexual situations to see if you haven’t just “found the right person yet”. You might be okay with sex and romance sometimes or under certain conditions, which makes it even more confusing.
No matter what you do, though, it feels like pushing a square block through a round hole.
If you identify with these experiences, or have in the past, you might be what’s known as asexual or aromantic, otherwise known as a-spec.
There is nothing wrong with you. You are whole just as you are, no matter how hard that is to believe right now.
Understanding Asexuality and Aromanticism
Asexuality and aromanticism, often referred to as a-spec, encompass a wide range of experiences where individuals feel less sexual or romantic attraction than what society typically expects. Asexual individuals feel a distinct lack of sexual attraction, while aromantic individuals experience varying levels of romantic attraction to others.
The experiences of people who are a-spec can range from being disgusted by the idea of romantic love and/or sex, indifferent to it, or even enjoy it under particular circumstances (i.e., with a deep emotional connection, for example).
Realizing you or someone you care about might be a-spec can be challenging due to societal pressures around sex and romance. It's similar to not being a big fan of music. In our culture, if you said you didn’t like music, people often pressure you to try different genres, suggest you haven't listened to enough music, or assume something must have caused your dislike for music. It can be difficult to recognize that not liking music could be natural for you, rather than a problem needing fixing.
Each a-spec individual experiences romantic and/or sexual attraction uniquely, so there are no universal signs that indicate you might be a-spec. However, some common observations include:
You might be aromantic if you…
Are puzzled by society's fixation on romanticizing every two-person relationship.
Struggle to see the appeal in romantic movies, TV, or books.
Could live the rest of your life without being married.
Prioritize platonic or familial relationships above romance.
Rarely experiences crushes or romantic relationships.
Have had previous partners say you're sending mixed signals about sex and romance in the relationship.
Feel uncomfortable with romantic gestures.
You might be asexual if you…
Rarely think about sex.
Prefer non-sexual romantic gestures.
Feel indifferent or apathetic about sex with your partner.
See masturbation as purely practical, if you do it at all.
Find relationships stressful because of expected sexual intimacy.
Wonder about society's obsession with sex.
Have had previous or current partners become frustrated with your lack of sexual engagement.
Here’s how therapy for a-spec folks can help:
Imagine a future where:
You understand and love how you engage with sex and romance. You know where your beliefs about sex and romance come from and how they’ve impacted you.
When others question or put down the way you experience or desire romance or sex, you know how to set the appropriate boundaries and walk away still feeling good about yourself.
The world doesn’t feel so small anymore. Community is out there, and you know where to find it.
Instead of molding yourself to meet someone else’s romantic or sexual expectations, you know how to communicate your needs to them or even let them go if your needs don’t align.
Fixing yourself no longer feels necessary. Because you realize you were never broken in the first place.
Therapy can help you with your a-spec identity. Here’s what it looks like:
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We’ll remove the veil from how the world, including your family and upbringing, views what it means to love others romantically and/or sexually and how those views have impacted your beliefs on yourself. Sometimes, these things aren’t obvious, and show up in your life in ways you wouldn’t expect. We’ll also explore how you experience sex and romance through discussing your history or how you’ve felt before engaging with different types of media.
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This is sometimes the most difficult step. We’ll help you learn how to view yourself through a more compassionate, friendly lens with metaphors, thought exercises, and learning how to calm the body when feeling anxiety or shame. This will calm that internal narrative that sees yourself as inherently flawed and make your mental space a welcoming place to be.
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Awareness and acceptance often translate into action. Here, we work together to help you find ways to live fully into what it means for you to be a-spec. This might be finding local or worldwide spaces to connect with others that feel similarly to how you do. Or learning how to set boundaries and let partners, family members, and others know what you need. Coming from a place of accepting yourself, these actions will help you feel more true to yourself.
Therapy for the a-spec experience can help you…
Gain clarity on your personal views and preferences of sexual and romantic attraction.
Reduce the shame and anxiety surrounding being a-spec.
Build assertiveness and self-advocacy skills to navigate tricky interpersonal situations.
Find affirming places and spaces to explore yourself and expand your support network.
Discover and embrace the positives of being a-spec.
It’s possible to feel whole and complete without compromise. Let’s find what that looks like for you.
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It’s possible to feel whole and complete without compromise. Let’s find what that looks like for you. •
FAQs
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A: Absolutely not. My job is to help you understand what you want out of either of these experiences, if you want them at all. Asexuality and aromanticism are not things that need to be fixed; rather, they deserve to be celebrated!
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A: I am a-spec myself, actually! I have identified as asexual for over a decade, and am still on my own journey of exploring where I am on the aromantic spectrum. My own experiences with these identities fuel the work I do with my clients.
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A: Research and listen! Find a-spec affirmative places online to learn more about their experience. Even more important, though, is to listen to your loved one without judgment to understand how they experience the world!